So, I received this via email from my good friend Kacey. I worked with her at the bank I work at, and she was pretty much awesome. So, instead of sending this back to her and keeping it all private and whatnot, I thought it'd be a good idea to post it so the whole world could see.

And by the whole world, I mean the three or four people who actually read this journal. ^_~ (I love you guys.)

Put an 'X' in places. Do it, you know you want to.

( ) Gone on a blind date
(x) Skipped school
( ) Watched someone die
(x) Been to Canada
( ) Been to Florida
(x) Been on a plane
(x) Been lost -- Yeah, in Detroit, of all places. Read about it here: Escape from Detroit
(x) Been on the opposite side of the country
(x) Gone to Washington , DC
(x) Swam in the ocean
(x) Cried yourself to sleep
( ) Played cops and robber
( ) Recently colored with crayons
( ) Sang Karaoke
( ) Paid for a meal with coins only?
(x) Done something you told yourself you wouldn't?
(x) Made prank phone calls
(x) Laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose
(x) Caught a snowflake on your tongue
(x) Written a letter to Santa Claus
( ) Been kissed under the mistletoe
(x) Watched the sunrise with someone you care about
(x) Blown bubbles
(x) Gone ice-skating
(x) Been skinny dipping outdoors
(x) Gone to the movies -- DUDE! Who HASN'T??!!! (Amish people are exempt from this question.)

1. Any nicknames? Depends on who you ask. My dad calls me by a variety of nicknames: Boo Bear, Big Number One, Creature From Hell (or CFH, to save time), Satan, Beluga Whale (I wasn't fond of this one when I was sixteen)... People here call me Noa on occasion. But for the most part, I am just Anne.
2 Mother's name? IT'S A SECRET!
3. Favorite drink? Orange pop.
4. Tattoo?? Uh, not so much.
5. Body Piercings? My ears.
6. How much do you love your job? I like it a lot. It's a living, anyway.
7. Birthplace?? IT'S A SECRET!
8. Favorite vacation spot? Arizona or anyplace in the U.P.
9. Ever been to Africa ??? Nope, but I wouldn't mind going as long as everything was safe and stuff. Africa is a pretty volatile area politically, plus there be lions and killer hippopotamuseseses... hippopotami... hippopotamuz?
10. Ever eaten cookies for dinner? Uh... hells yeah!
11. Ever been on TV?? Not as far as I know. But I did shoot a couple of things for public television for a class in college.
12. Ever steal any traffic sign?? Nope. What would be the point, really?
13. Ever been in a car accident?? Yup. Two. The first was with Scott. We hit a wet spot in the road and lost control of the car. We careened into the guardrail. It was scary. The other time, I was driving myself home from work. There was a blizzard. My car skidded into the car in front of me. Lucky for us, I was only going around three MPH.
14. Drive a 2-door or 4-door vehicle?? Yahtzee.
15. Favorite salad dressing?? Ranch.
16. Favorite pie?? Dutch Apple or Black Tie Mousse Cake at Olive Garden. Mmmm. OH! And ice cream pie. Mmmmmmmm...
17. Favorite number?? IT'S A SECRET!
18. Favorite movie?? AW! Do I HAVE to choose?!
19. Favorite holiday?? Thanksgiving, totally.
21. Favorite food?? Waffles.
22. Favorite day of the week? Kleigeday.
23. Favorite brand of body wash? My cat licking my face off when I go to bed at night. The best thing about it is, he doesn't stop, even when the skin starts to peel back.
24. Favorite toothpaste?? IT'S A SECRET!
25. Favorite smell?? Vanilla.
26. What do you do to relax? Um, I'll take: drawing and/or writing until my fingers bleed for one hundred, Bob.
27. Favorite gift ever given? Okay, this so depends on what the question actually means, because the wording is a bit convoluted. Does it mean the best gift I ever gave someone else? Or the best gift ever given to me. The best gift I gave someone else would be the total Kenny humiliation I gifted my sister with at my wedding. The best gift ever given to me would be 'The Crow' model kit my husband painted and put together for me -- I would also add the Kennification of my apartment by my sister as revenge for the Kenny Incident at my wedding.
28. How do you see yourself in 10 years?? I see myself as a bunny rabbit, or perhaps a lemur.
29. Furthest place you will send this message? To the moon, Alice. TO THE MOON!
30. Who will respond to this the fastest? Your mom. 

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So, I got one of those stupid email chain thingies in my work email that seem to proliferate like cybernetic bunnies. It was the "19 WAYS TO MAINTAIN A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY" and because I yam what I yam, I feel as if I must explore this idea until it reaches its ultimate stupidity. Here goes.


Okay, first way to maintain a healthy level of insanity...

1. At lunchtime, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on while pointing a hair dryer at passing vehicles. See if they slow down.

This is actually pretty funny when you think about. So funny that I almost want to try it out sometime. So far so good, list of "19 WAYS TO MAINTAIN A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY".

2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

Also hilarious, and highly recommended. (A co-worker did this once when I worked at Frank's. The reaction it got was EXCELLENT.)

3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

Hilarious... this one has the potential to be REALLY irritating, which makes it at least 10% better (and therefore funnier) than the first two on the list.

4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it 'IN'.

Not funny, list of "19 WAYS TO MAINTAIN A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY". Not funny at all. People who regularly read "Ziggy" or perhaps "Blondie" might find this funny, but those of us who have souls emphatically do not.

5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over his or her caffeine addictions, switch to expresso.

This one is downright impractical. First of all, real espresso is made with an espresso machine, not on a regular coffee machine. Plus, there are just far too many uncontrollable factors to make this practical. Not to mention espresso is spelled wrong. Bad list of "19 WAYS TO MAINTAIN A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY"! BAD! Next.

6. In the memo field of all your checks write: "For smuggling diamonds".

Funny, but potentially dangerous if an over-zealous member of a bank's proof department were to take it seriously and hand it over to bank protection. And take it from someone who knows, you DO NOT want to rouse their suspicions, for they are almighty and merciless -- like Wagnerian Valkyries... without the anti-Semitism.

7. Finish all your sentences with: "...in accordance with prophecy."

Pretty funny... though I guarantee it'd be at least 20% funnier, if not more, were you to say: "...in accordance with biblical prophecy." It's far more ominous, and, as we all know, ominous = funny.

8. Don't use any punctuation.

This may or may not be funny depending on circumstance.

Funny: Not using any punctuation while you speak -- this would mean that there would be no pauses for thought, no indication where one idea ends and the other begins. No customary interrogative lilt at the end of a question. No exclamations. No pauses in your speech. You'd just speak in long, never-ending sentences. The results would be kinda funny, though you'd really have to practice to get it right.

Not funny: At all. Not punctuating your writing properly. Too much of this goes on already and it drives me fucking nuts. I love the English language dearly, and though I'm far from perfect, I respect the language I speak enough to try my damnedest to give it my best effort. Lazy, L33t speaking, fucking text messaging bastards have raped the mighty eloquence of the written word for long enough -- DO NOT ENCOURAGE THEM.

9. As often as possible skip rather than walk.

Eh. I guess it's funny, plus you'll get a bit of a workout as well. Good on you, list of "19 WAYS TO MAINTAIN A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY"!

10. Order diet water whenever you go out to eat -- with a serious face.

Oh, this is a good one, especially if you can keep a straight face. I'd totally choke -- I've got a terrible poker face.

11. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".

Not really funny so much as annoying. It feels like something the folks at "Jackass" would do while leering into a fish-eye camera and giggling. No thank you.

12. Sing along at the opera.

Also annoying. Not funny at all. Plus, it has the potential for real world consequences. Like getting kicked out of the opera house, and considering the cost of opera tickets... not a good idea. Unless, of course, you're a billionaire playboy douche bag.

13. Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all day during working hours.

This would be pretty hilarious... but only if you have a fairly understanding boss who got the joke. Also, I'd add a cornucopia of tropical plants, a stuffed parrot (as in a formerly alive parrot that would be pushing up the daisies were it not nailed to its perch) and a small black cat -- and should anyone ask about the cat, insist that it's a panther and its name is Bagheera, making sure to be really insulted at the very notion of your lithe and dangerous jungle predator being mistaken for a small, harmless house-cat.

14. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

First of all, there is no such thing as a poetry recital. I know because my father IS a poet and I've been to poetry READINGS. Recitals are for children's dance troupes and those involved in any kind of classical music training. Secondly, while poetry readings, at times, can be a bit boring, you insult the poets and yourself by asking such a patently ignorant question. You might as well tattoo: "I am an uneducated moron. Please, do the world a favor and kill me before I reproduce" on your forehead before trying this one.

And if you don't understand why this isn't funny, do me just one favor. Stand up. Walk to the nearest wall. Make sure it's nice and hard, and then pound your fucking head into it until it isn't funny anymore -- that is if you don't pass out from blood loss or the inevitable brain damage first.

15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.

Dude, this is a total dick move. If a friend of mine did this, I'd drive to their house, punch them in the nuts and never call them again. Not funny at all. Just plain douche bag-ry.

16. Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name: Rock Bottom.

This has the potential for real hilarity if you could get your co-workers to go along with it. It'd be 50% funnier if you used something a bit more off-the-wall, like: Huge McBiglarge or Beefington Steel or Slab Hamfist.

17. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream: "I WON! I WON!"

Pretty fucking funny. Especially if you manage to do it in a really crowded area.

18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot yelling: "RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! THEY'RE LOOSE!"

Funny, but inadvisable. For one, you could cause a panic, and considering how litigious people are nowadays... well, it's just not a good idea.

19. Tell your children over dinner: "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go".

This only works if you have children, of course. But it is pretty funny. Scarring-your-child-for-the-rest-of-their-natural-lives-funny, but funny none the less. And really, what's a few scars here and there? I mean, sure, I've never been able to go to the dentist without having a mild panic attack ever since my dad told me they'd pull out all my teeth with a rusty pair of pliers when I was five... but it was all in good fun. Really, it was. Incidentally, my father actually did tell me that... and I do get a bit nervous whenever I go to the dentist to this day. Good times. Good times.

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It all started so innocently.

I was writing my sister to confirm our summer vacation plans with the 'rents... and then, as always, wackiness ensued.

Here's the email that started it all! (The italic-ed bit is the important part, FYI.)

From: Anne
To: Jane

Hey there, home-skillet. Just letting you know I've requested the time-off. We are totally GO! for Yooper Junk-yard tour 2008! I bet that's gonna be weird for you… traveling all over the world and then you go to the UP. What with all the yoopers and bears and junk cars and abandoned houses and assorted kitsch Americana. It'll be like Camp Beverly Hills -- except with 100% less Shelly Long with bleached strawberry blonde hair, and 100% more hair gel and special Jane shaped goo.

You're so sleeping in the room with Mom and Dad by the way. Will and I flipped coins and you lost. Lucky you!

Simple, right?

See, I figure since Jane's been gallivanting around Europe -- this is her payback. I felt it was fair... she begged to disagree.

From: Jane
To: Anne

BITCH, I demand a recall of the coin toss. Totes not fair. TOTES.

Not about to take this lying down, I replied thusly: Dude. You can't recall the coin toss! It's totes the way it's going down. TOTES.

Unfazed, Jane argued her point like any good lawyer might -- with epithets and invectives.

Bitch, you don't own me! I recall the coin toss on the principal that it's unfair that a decision that affects me was made without my knowledge and without my presence. Choke on that, monkey liver! (snapsnapsnap)

Deciding that this argument was bigger than me, I invited my brother, Will, into the discussion. His logic, as always, is beyond reproach.

I decree no coin toss recalls. As Emperor of Calendars, I hold the most sway. Read the Constitution, it says I have the sway. SWAY!

My response, however, was childish and petulant.

See... even the Emperor of Calendars agrees with me. The coin toss was done with you in absentia -- it's a legal term and everything. Plus, Emperor of Calendars! SWAY! CHOKE ON THE SWAY!

Jane, having listened to one too many dissertations by Che Guevara, empowers herself to resist the Emperor of Calendars's decree.

Dude, the emperor of calendars is a fascist bastard. VIVA LA REVOLUTION!!!

I, as always, remained unimpressed, and being a sucker for the Status Quo -- having long ago sold my soul to THE MAN, and knowing his ways as I do, I gave her an ominous warning.

Tell that to him and his legion of mutant-cyber-Hitlers.

Jane, deciding that the tiny Che Guevara in her head was right, degenerated swiftly into madness -- flashbacking like there was NO tomorrow.

I CHOKE ON NO SWAY. NONE. ZERO. NILCH. NADA. RIEN.

ALLONS ENFANTS DE LA PATRRRRRRIE, LE JOUR DE GLOIRE EST ARRIVE! CONTRE NOUS DE LA TYRANNIE, L'ETENDARD SANGLANT EST LEVE!!!!!!

ANTIFA! ANTIFA! VIVA LA REVOLUCION! HASTA LA VICTORIA SIEMPRE!

And just like that it was ON. On like a trannie beating his lover's girlfriend on the Springer show on... with weave-pulling and everything.

You say that now... but when the cyber-Hitlers unhinge their jaws and swallow your Che Guevaras like fine oysters, then you'll know. OH! How you'll know! AND THEN THE HAMMER'LL COME DOWN! DOWN FROM THE MOUNTAIN! AND THAT MOTHA'UCKA WILL 'UCK WITH YOUR SHI!!! AND THEN I'LL STUFF WILL FERRELL DOWN YOUR PANTS AND HE'LL TOTALLY GIVE YOUR A-HOLE A SWIRLIE! AND THEN WHO'LL BE CRYING NOW!

That'd be you. BWA-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!

However, my brother, being the more sensible of the three of us, aptly ceased all argument. And very much like Springer's ever present bodyguard, Steve, quickly diffused the situation.

It's true. As Emperor of Calenders, I get my own army of mutant cyber Hitlers (it's in the US Constitution) to do my bidding. I generally just make them do charity work, like helping out the homeless and handicapped ('cause it's ironic). But I can have them fuck you up in ways that would make The Jesus proud.

And you don't fuck with The Jesus.

True dat, home skillet. True dat.

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I've come to a conclusion. I am entirely unappreciated in my time.

One day, at least one person will look back and say... hey, that Anne was pretty cool.

That person will most likely be me. Sad.

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watching: My cat...
listening to: Wanna Be Startin' Somethin' -- Michael Jackson
mood: WOOT!

So, last weekend we watched Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure. It's been a good ten years since I last saw it. There's a funny kind of anxiety one has when given the opportunity to re-watch a favorite movie from your childhood.

Okay, okay, technically, Bill and Ted was a favorite of mine from when I was a teenager. Still, I was awful young. And sometimes movies you thought funnier than hell when you were sixteen turn out to be BEYOND dreadful when revisited. I found this out with Weekend at Bernie's. At the time, I thought this was the funniest damn movie EVER. Then again, I was fifteen/sixteen, so what the hell did I know? I mean, I was a huge Debbie Gibson fan back then. DEBBIE FUCKING GIBSON!! (If you saw my hair from that period, you'd understand.)

Anyway, I was nervous about watching Bill and Ted, because I was afraid it'd be another Weekend at Bernie's -- where I'd rewatch it and find, to my horror, that the movie that had such a warm, sentimental place in my heart was fucking awful. (Like I should be THAT surprised that Weekend at Bernie's sucked... I mean, COME ON ME!! It's Weekend at Bernie's.)

Well, I rewatched it and was pleasantly surprised. While it IS a pretty dumb movie, you can't help but love it for being just so damn quirky and weird that anything vaguely dumb about it can be excused and loved all over again.

Aw! I love you, Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure!!!

If I ever have kids and they ask what the late '80s/early '90s were like, I'll show them this movie.

Of course, thinking about Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure brings back memories of the NES promotional tie-in video game by the same name. Well, mostly the same name. It was called Bill and Ted's Excellent VIDEO GAME Adventure. Whatevs.

The fact remains, that like ALL movie tie-in games, it sucked ass.

In the game, you were tasked by Rufus to go out and find a list of Historical Figures.

Here's the wiki-article explaining the point of the game. Go ahead, I'll wait. EXPLAIN THIS BILL AND TED OF WHICH YOU SPEAK!!

Now, reading that little explanation might get you to thinking that the game was kind of cool. It wasn't. It sucked. You spent most your time wandering around a screen that pretty much had NO landmarks. So, you have no idea where you're going and you spend an awful lot of time going in circles because one screen looks so damn much like the other. If you were lucky, you might stumble upon the occasional "helpful" NPC. They were supposed to give you hints that'd help you.

They didn't.

You just spent more time wandering around aimlessly, your eyes bleeding from hours of staring at your television screen. The afterimage of the game's monotonous scenery forever burned into your retinas.

Sometimes, when the stars and the moon aligned, you'd actually stumble into an area with a historical figure in it. But historical figures are rare and wily animals. They won't just walk around in the open like normal people, going about their daily business as historical figures. NO! They hide like little bunny rabbits. So you have to lure them out with, get this, HISTORICAL FIGURE BAIT!!

Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeah. Historical figure bait. Like they're fish.

"Hey, there, Earl. I hooked me William Howard Taft! Git the big net!"

Taft was fat...



Original image found here: U.S. President's Page

So, you'd come into an area with a historical figure. I forget how those areas were different from others. Most of my memory of this game has been repressed for my own good. Anyway, there'd be a music blip or some kind of screen note, and you were supposed to drop your bait and lie in wait, preparing for possible historical figure capture-age.

Never happened.

You'd put the damn bait down and pretty much nothing happened. If you didn't move away fast enough you'd scare them away or they'd steal your 'effing bait and you were screwed. Then an in-game message would pop up and taunt you. HA! HA! YOU WEREN'T FAST ENOUGH, LOSER! YOU SUCK!

YEAH, FUCK YOU GAME!

I think I only got close to capturing one historical figure before I got frustrated and gave up.

Now, usually, my video game frustrations can be blamed on my own impatience. I had an unfortunate temper tantrum the first time I played Chrono Trigger, because I sped through without leveling up and tried to beat the final boss with less than half of my spells and abilities learned. I was setting myself up for failure.

But this time, it was SO not my fault. My best friend (at the time) and I tried for four fruitless hours trying desperately to pull some fun out of this joyless little game. All I got out of it was a vicious migraine and the desire to monkey punch whatever idiot programmed the damn thing.

Such is life, I suppose.

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So, I was watching G4 the other day and they were talking about this game called Guitar Hero.

Basically, the game is a guitar playing sim and it comes with a pretty neat peripheral. It's a simplified guitar with buttons on the fret board for you to push in order to activate specific notes. It's all over pretty neat and I almost want to play it, but...

Well, the song list they have for the game leaves much to be desired. And I find myself sad because ...well... clearly they wouldn't have my favorite bands on them. I'd love to play the lead guitar for TMBG's "The Guitar" or even better, any of Keith's solos on any Stones song you could name. That'd rock hard core! But of course, they wouldn't have either of them on their game. The Stones are too expensive and the Giants too esoteric.

It sucks. Because I'd seriously bust a vein in my head if I could play the guitar solo for "Damn Good Times" or how 'bout the Eric Clapton solo in "Let it Be" by the Beatles? That'd fucking rock my entire universe. Dude, they don't even have "Stairway to Heaven" -- which is like -- the fucking guitar song to end all guitar songs. How 'bout "While My Guitar Gently Weeps", fuckers? That song is bloody brilliant. Okay, okay they're all from really brilliant artists that are expensive.

Wait, I take that back. They got "Ziggy Stardust", so there is NO excuse. And come on! "Godzilla"?!!! If you're gonna go for a song by the Blue Oyster Cult, get "Don't Fear the Reaper" for fuck's sake. That song is awesome! Jesus, some of the songs on there are fucking pathetic!! I'd take any Guns n' Roses song over "Sharp Dressed Man". Besides, ZZ Top isn't cool unless the guitar periph comes with that harness they use to twirl the guitars. And the Queen song they picked just sucked. "Killer Queen"??? WHY NOT BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY!???

WHYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE???!!

Why not Nirvana? They had some decent songs. So did STP. Sweet Jeebus, I'd even accept some Journey.

But Boston? I mean, if you're gonna go cheeseball, why not Motley Crue? At least they're fun cheeseball. And if you're gonna go bad cheeseball then go all the way. Pick out your favorite Chicago song, or better yet, why not the lyrically epic songs of Styx?

*sigh*

It makes me really, really sad in a profound way. I call No Way on Guitar Hero... wait, no, I call shenanigans on Guitar Hero. That's right. I called shenanigans.

And all I can think is, it'd be so much cooler if they had Accordion Hero. It'd come with an accordion and I'd be able to do all the accordion parts in the TMBG canon. It'd be awesome.

Can you imagine rocking your world, playing the accordion for "Birdhouse in Your Soul"? Even better, how cool would it be to play TMBG's one and only "Famous Polka"?!!! That'd fucking rock.

THAT DOES IT! SCREW GUITAR HERO! I WANNA BE AN ACCORDION HERO! I'M GONNA PLAY THE FAMOUS POLKA OR MAYBE ONE OF WEIRD AL'S POLKA'S -- TILL THE BRINK OF DAWN AND IF I HAD MONEY AND THIS WORLD WAS FAIR, I'D SO HAVE MY SHOT AT BEING AN ACCORDION HERO! BUT THE WORLD ISN'T! IT SUCKS, and now the world is filled with Guitar Hero and I hang my head in shame and sorrow, my imaginary accordion sagging in misery.

Man, it really busts my non-existent balls that there isn't an Accordion Hero game. That'd rule!

I went to a sad place with this post...

Originally posted: Noacat@Livejournal Brought to Nutang for your viewing pleasure... or displeasure as it were.

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