It all started so innocently.

I was writing my sister to confirm our summer vacation plans with the 'rents... and then, as always, wackiness ensued.

Here's the email that started it all! (The italic-ed bit is the important part, FYI.)

From: Anne
To: Jane

Hey there, home-skillet. Just letting you know I've requested the time-off. We are totally GO! for Yooper Junk-yard tour 2008! I bet that's gonna be weird for you… traveling all over the world and then you go to the UP. What with all the yoopers and bears and junk cars and abandoned houses and assorted kitsch Americana. It'll be like Camp Beverly Hills -- except with 100% less Shelly Long with bleached strawberry blonde hair, and 100% more hair gel and special Jane shaped goo.

You're so sleeping in the room with Mom and Dad by the way. Will and I flipped coins and you lost. Lucky you!

Simple, right?

See, I figure since Jane's been gallivanting around Europe -- this is her payback. I felt it was fair... she begged to disagree.

From: Jane
To: Anne

BITCH, I demand a recall of the coin toss. Totes not fair. TOTES.

Not about to take this lying down, I replied thusly: Dude. You can't recall the coin toss! It's totes the way it's going down. TOTES.

Unfazed, Jane argued her point like any good lawyer might -- with epithets and invectives.

Bitch, you don't own me! I recall the coin toss on the principal that it's unfair that a decision that affects me was made without my knowledge and without my presence. Choke on that, monkey liver! (snapsnapsnap)

Deciding that this argument was bigger than me, I invited my brother, Will, into the discussion. His logic, as always, is beyond reproach.

I decree no coin toss recalls. As Emperor of Calendars, I hold the most sway. Read the Constitution, it says I have the sway. SWAY!

My response, however, was childish and petulant.

See... even the Emperor of Calendars agrees with me. The coin toss was done with you in absentia -- it's a legal term and everything. Plus, Emperor of Calendars! SWAY! CHOKE ON THE SWAY!

Jane, having listened to one too many dissertations by Che Guevara, empowers herself to resist the Emperor of Calendars's decree.

Dude, the emperor of calendars is a fascist bastard. VIVA LA REVOLUTION!!!

I, as always, remained unimpressed, and being a sucker for the Status Quo -- having long ago sold my soul to THE MAN, and knowing his ways as I do, I gave her an ominous warning.

Tell that to him and his legion of mutant-cyber-Hitlers.

Jane, deciding that the tiny Che Guevara in her head was right, degenerated swiftly into madness -- flashbacking like there was NO tomorrow.

I CHOKE ON NO SWAY. NONE. ZERO. NILCH. NADA. RIEN.

ALLONS ENFANTS DE LA PATRRRRRRIE, LE JOUR DE GLOIRE EST ARRIVE! CONTRE NOUS DE LA TYRANNIE, L'ETENDARD SANGLANT EST LEVE!!!!!!

ANTIFA! ANTIFA! VIVA LA REVOLUCION! HASTA LA VICTORIA SIEMPRE!

And just like that it was ON. On like a trannie beating his lover's girlfriend on the Springer show on... with weave-pulling and everything.

You say that now... but when the cyber-Hitlers unhinge their jaws and swallow your Che Guevaras like fine oysters, then you'll know. OH! How you'll know! AND THEN THE HAMMER'LL COME DOWN! DOWN FROM THE MOUNTAIN! AND THAT MOTHA'UCKA WILL 'UCK WITH YOUR SHI!!! AND THEN I'LL STUFF WILL FERRELL DOWN YOUR PANTS AND HE'LL TOTALLY GIVE YOUR A-HOLE A SWIRLIE! AND THEN WHO'LL BE CRYING NOW!

That'd be you. BWA-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!

However, my brother, being the more sensible of the three of us, aptly ceased all argument. And very much like Springer's ever present bodyguard, Steve, quickly diffused the situation.

It's true. As Emperor of Calenders, I get my own army of mutant cyber Hitlers (it's in the US Constitution) to do my bidding. I generally just make them do charity work, like helping out the homeless and handicapped ('cause it's ironic). But I can have them fuck you up in ways that would make The Jesus proud.

And you don't fuck with The Jesus.

True dat, home skillet. True dat.

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I've come to a conclusion. I am entirely unappreciated in my time.

One day, at least one person will look back and say... hey, that Anne was pretty cool.

That person will most likely be me. Sad.

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watching: My cat...
listening to: Wanna Be Startin' Somethin' -- Michael Jackson
mood: WOOT!

So, last weekend we watched Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure. It's been a good ten years since I last saw it. There's a funny kind of anxiety one has when given the opportunity to re-watch a favorite movie from your childhood.

Okay, okay, technically, Bill and Ted was a favorite of mine from when I was a teenager. Still, I was awful young. And sometimes movies you thought funnier than hell when you were sixteen turn out to be BEYOND dreadful when revisited. I found this out with Weekend at Bernie's. At the time, I thought this was the funniest damn movie EVER. Then again, I was fifteen/sixteen, so what the hell did I know? I mean, I was a huge Debbie Gibson fan back then. DEBBIE FUCKING GIBSON!! (If you saw my hair from that period, you'd understand.)

Anyway, I was nervous about watching Bill and Ted, because I was afraid it'd be another Weekend at Bernie's -- where I'd rewatch it and find, to my horror, that the movie that had such a warm, sentimental place in my heart was fucking awful. (Like I should be THAT surprised that Weekend at Bernie's sucked... I mean, COME ON ME!! It's Weekend at Bernie's.)

Well, I rewatched it and was pleasantly surprised. While it IS a pretty dumb movie, you can't help but love it for being just so damn quirky and weird that anything vaguely dumb about it can be excused and loved all over again.

Aw! I love you, Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure!!!

If I ever have kids and they ask what the late '80s/early '90s were like, I'll show them this movie.

Of course, thinking about Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure brings back memories of the NES promotional tie-in video game by the same name. Well, mostly the same name. It was called Bill and Ted's Excellent VIDEO GAME Adventure. Whatevs.

The fact remains, that like ALL movie tie-in games, it sucked ass.

In the game, you were tasked by Rufus to go out and find a list of Historical Figures.

Here's the wiki-article explaining the point of the game. Go ahead, I'll wait. EXPLAIN THIS BILL AND TED OF WHICH YOU SPEAK!!

Now, reading that little explanation might get you to thinking that the game was kind of cool. It wasn't. It sucked. You spent most your time wandering around a screen that pretty much had NO landmarks. So, you have no idea where you're going and you spend an awful lot of time going in circles because one screen looks so damn much like the other. If you were lucky, you might stumble upon the occasional "helpful" NPC. They were supposed to give you hints that'd help you.

They didn't.

You just spent more time wandering around aimlessly, your eyes bleeding from hours of staring at your television screen. The afterimage of the game's monotonous scenery forever burned into your retinas.

Sometimes, when the stars and the moon aligned, you'd actually stumble into an area with a historical figure in it. But historical figures are rare and wily animals. They won't just walk around in the open like normal people, going about their daily business as historical figures. NO! They hide like little bunny rabbits. So you have to lure them out with, get this, HISTORICAL FIGURE BAIT!!

Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeah. Historical figure bait. Like they're fish.

"Hey, there, Earl. I hooked me William Howard Taft! Git the big net!"

Taft was fat...



Original image found here: U.S. President's Page

So, you'd come into an area with a historical figure. I forget how those areas were different from others. Most of my memory of this game has been repressed for my own good. Anyway, there'd be a music blip or some kind of screen note, and you were supposed to drop your bait and lie in wait, preparing for possible historical figure capture-age.

Never happened.

You'd put the damn bait down and pretty much nothing happened. If you didn't move away fast enough you'd scare them away or they'd steal your 'effing bait and you were screwed. Then an in-game message would pop up and taunt you. HA! HA! YOU WEREN'T FAST ENOUGH, LOSER! YOU SUCK!

YEAH, FUCK YOU GAME!

I think I only got close to capturing one historical figure before I got frustrated and gave up.

Now, usually, my video game frustrations can be blamed on my own impatience. I had an unfortunate temper tantrum the first time I played Chrono Trigger, because I sped through without leveling up and tried to beat the final boss with less than half of my spells and abilities learned. I was setting myself up for failure.

But this time, it was SO not my fault. My best friend (at the time) and I tried for four fruitless hours trying desperately to pull some fun out of this joyless little game. All I got out of it was a vicious migraine and the desire to monkey punch whatever idiot programmed the damn thing.

Such is life, I suppose.

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So, I was watching G4 the other day and they were talking about this game called Guitar Hero.

Basically, the game is a guitar playing sim and it comes with a pretty neat peripheral. It's a simplified guitar with buttons on the fret board for you to push in order to activate specific notes. It's all over pretty neat and I almost want to play it, but...

Well, the song list they have for the game leaves much to be desired. And I find myself sad because ...well... clearly they wouldn't have my favorite bands on them. I'd love to play the lead guitar for TMBG's "The Guitar" or even better, any of Keith's solos on any Stones song you could name. That'd rock hard core! But of course, they wouldn't have either of them on their game. The Stones are too expensive and the Giants too esoteric.

It sucks. Because I'd seriously bust a vein in my head if I could play the guitar solo for "Damn Good Times" or how 'bout the Eric Clapton solo in "Let it Be" by the Beatles? That'd fucking rock my entire universe. Dude, they don't even have "Stairway to Heaven" -- which is like -- the fucking guitar song to end all guitar songs. How 'bout "While My Guitar Gently Weeps", fuckers? That song is bloody brilliant. Okay, okay they're all from really brilliant artists that are expensive.

Wait, I take that back. They got "Ziggy Stardust", so there is NO excuse. And come on! "Godzilla"?!!! If you're gonna go for a song by the Blue Oyster Cult, get "Don't Fear the Reaper" for fuck's sake. That song is awesome! Jesus, some of the songs on there are fucking pathetic!! I'd take any Guns n' Roses song over "Sharp Dressed Man". Besides, ZZ Top isn't cool unless the guitar periph comes with that harness they use to twirl the guitars. And the Queen song they picked just sucked. "Killer Queen"??? WHY NOT BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY!???

WHYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE???!!

Why not Nirvana? They had some decent songs. So did STP. Sweet Jeebus, I'd even accept some Journey.

But Boston? I mean, if you're gonna go cheeseball, why not Motley Crue? At least they're fun cheeseball. And if you're gonna go bad cheeseball then go all the way. Pick out your favorite Chicago song, or better yet, why not the lyrically epic songs of Styx?

*sigh*

It makes me really, really sad in a profound way. I call No Way on Guitar Hero... wait, no, I call shenanigans on Guitar Hero. That's right. I called shenanigans.

And all I can think is, it'd be so much cooler if they had Accordion Hero. It'd come with an accordion and I'd be able to do all the accordion parts in the TMBG canon. It'd be awesome.

Can you imagine rocking your world, playing the accordion for "Birdhouse in Your Soul"? Even better, how cool would it be to play TMBG's one and only "Famous Polka"?!!! That'd fucking rock.

THAT DOES IT! SCREW GUITAR HERO! I WANNA BE AN ACCORDION HERO! I'M GONNA PLAY THE FAMOUS POLKA OR MAYBE ONE OF WEIRD AL'S POLKA'S -- TILL THE BRINK OF DAWN AND IF I HAD MONEY AND THIS WORLD WAS FAIR, I'D SO HAVE MY SHOT AT BEING AN ACCORDION HERO! BUT THE WORLD ISN'T! IT SUCKS, and now the world is filled with Guitar Hero and I hang my head in shame and sorrow, my imaginary accordion sagging in misery.

Man, it really busts my non-existent balls that there isn't an Accordion Hero game. That'd rule!

I went to a sad place with this post...

Originally posted: Noacat@Livejournal Brought to Nutang for your viewing pleasure... or displeasure as it were.

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That's right... I got my picture taken in a dirt mall with a monkey.

I know you're all jealous.

I can taste it.

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So, awhile ago I got it into my head to make an A to Z playlist.

For those who don't know, I'm a freak for making the perfect playlist. Sort of like Rob from High Fidelity, only I'm less a straight up asshole and more of a pouty douche bag, but I digress.

Anyway, I have this obsession with making playlists. I'm not quite sure how the A to Z list came about, but it did and I ran with it.

See, there's sort of a zen to making a really good playlist. I won't go too far into it, but I feel like you really have to be thoughtful on song placement. Which is why I came up with the A to Z list, because finding a song for each letter of the alphabet would be super difficult.

Here's the rules I set forth for myself.

1.) Pick a song for each letter of the Alphabet, first of all.

2.) All songs MUST be in English. The songs can be sung by non-English speaking (IE: Those that don't speak English as a native language) artists, but they have got to be in English. This makes it harder for you to pick songs for letters such as 'Q'.

3.) No artist can have consecutive songs. Example: I couldn't have Spiraling Shape as my 'S' song because I have Till My Head Falls Off for my 'T' song, because they both are by They Might Be Giants. This rule extends to cover versions as well.

4.) If an artist appears on your list more than once, there must be a one song lead between appearances, this also includes cover songs. Example: I picked Under Pressure David Bowie and Queen for my 'U' song. For my 'W' song, I picked We Are the Champions -- but I picked the cover version done by Johnathan Coulton. In between those two songs is Jamiroquai's Virtual Insanity.

The list is as follows:

1. Across the Universe by the Beatles (Acoustic version from Anthology)
2. Birdhouse in Your Soul by They Might Be Giants (Flood)
3. Continental Drift by the Rolling Stones (Steel Wheels)
4. Don't Fence Me In cover by David Byrne, written by Cole Porter (Red+Hot+Blue: A Tribute to Cole Porter)
5. Everything Under the Sun by Common Rotation (Live track off Clear Channel)
6. Free as a Bird by the Beatles (Anthology)
7. Genius of Love by the Tom Tom Club (Tom Tom Club)
8. Hey, Mr. DJ, I Thought We Had a Deal by They Might Be Giants (Then, the Earlier Years)
9. Ikea by Jonathan Coulton (Smoking Monkey)
10. Jumpin' Jack Flash by the Rolling Stones (40 Licks)
11. Kiss cover by Der Palast Orchestra mit Max Raabe (album unknown)
12. Let it Be by the Beatles (Let it Be)
13. Mesopotamia by the B52's (Time Capsule)
14. No One Knows My Plan by They Might Be Giants (John Henry)
15. Once in a Lifetime by the Talking Heads (Remain in Light)
16. Pretty Pink Ribbon by CAKE (Comfort Eagle)
17. Quiche Lorraine by the B52's (Time Capsule)
18. Rock Your Socks by Tenacious D (Tenacious D)
19. Say You'll Be There by the Spice Girls (Spice)
20. Till My Head Falls Off by They Might Be Giants (Factory Showroom)
21. Under Pressure by David Bowie & Queen (Classic Queen)
22. Virtual Insanity by Jamiroquai
23. We Are the Champions acoustic cover by Johnathan Coulton (Thing a Week Four)
24. XTC vs. Adam Ant by They Might Be Giants (Factory Showroom)
25. Your Rain sung by Mary Elizabeth McGlynn, composed by Akira Yamaoka (Silent Hill 4 Soundtrack)
26. Z Y X by They Might Be Giants (Here Come the ABCs)
27. 1234 by Fiest (The Reminder)

I added the "bonus" track at the bottom for awesomeness. There was also somewhat of a fracas between my sister, husband and I regarding "Your Rain". They objected to the song on account that it was written and composed by someone who didn't speak English natively. I pointed out the same could be said of Max Raabe, who is German. The song he and his orchestra performed WAS written by a native English speaker. Max Raabe, being German, speaks German, but sings the song in English. Therefore it is allowed. And though Yamaoka doesn't speak English as a first language, he did write the song in English and it was performed by an artist who speaks English natively, therefore it counts. So there.

Anyway, if you're as big a nerd as I am, feel free to do this.

You know, I almost think this requires some kind of freaky CD exchange. If anyone wants this list, I'll happily find a way to send it to you. It's just that awesome. And you can send your own back.

If you want...

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